THE CULT
(BASED ON A TRUE STORY)
Mum and I decided that it was time to take a much needed vacation to escape the “rat race” as mummy put it. I, having worked extremely hard over the past three months was more than just keen, I was down-right thrilled. However, there was one detail that needed taking care of, where on earth do we go? We only had three days, since I had to work over the weekend, so naturally, it had to be near-by. Well we have been to almost every fun filled destination, what mum and I really needed was some good old rest and relaxation. That narrows it down, a spa. Oh the soothing massages, wonderful beauty treatments, peace, tranquillity, I was in heaven just thinking about it. Then my fitness fanatic mother blurts out “Wails how about a health spa?” Well I am trying to lose weight, and my skins looking a little worn out, yes, okay maybe a little pampering topped off with an extra dose of vitamins and fat free foods might just do the trick.
Mum sets of on her mission to find the perfect destination. As I said, “fitness fanatic”, mum comes home from the gym bubblier than usual. She has found the perfect place, ‘Hoogland Hydro Spa’. “Whose land what Spa mum?” Okay clearly she heard this from one of her gym buddies, only “those” people know these places. Mum explains that it is a Hydro spa, with facilities that operate all day, three meals a day- all healthy and my favourite part, pamper treatments. Daddy books it, I pack everything except my bed, mummy is road running or something gym-like before we leave, and of we go to our weekend of tranquillity.
Now it needs to be understood that I am about as fit as a television set, my idea of exercise is having to walk from the lounge to the kitchen for a snack. My stamina lasts just long enough for me to get up three steps. Mum on the other hand is a ball of energy, that women never tires. I am starting to think that god might have given her my share of energy because he knew I would do a superb job of been lazy. Nevertheless mum and I are like adjacent countries, we share a border line. That leaves us with enough similarities to get along quite well. We are picky when it comes to living arrangements, hygiene, food and so on. We love nature but from afar, put us in a shopping mall and we’ll have a blast. We are both willing to learn but extremely head-strong and mildly rebellious. At the slightest hint of our independence and freedom been questioned, we turn of the charm and switch on dragon lady mode. Our common phobia is reptiles, hence the lack of interaction with nature, we cringe at the thought of them.
Okay now that we have that out of the way, back to my story.
We follow the map, and find that it’s not too far from home, to mums relief. However, in order to reach the actual Spa we have to get onto some dingy dirt road that leads up and into the mountains. Now when I say this road is long, I mean it’s as long as the ‘Never Ending Story’. As we drive along this fairly isolated road, I begin tensing up, and I know for a fact mum is to. Why? Every single building we have passed looks worse than a factory, some of them look like perfect places to commit mass murders. The only decent looking building is a Hindu temple, it’s huge and detailed, and it is definitely amazing beyond explanation. Please do not get me wrong this is not good news for me, when it comes to temples, for every ounce of amazing detail, you get an added ounce of scary. Meaning no disrespect at all, the engravings are extremely creepy, and the culture fascinating, but frightening. Besides, if we are staying close to the temple i am going to hate it, I do not want to hear chanting while getting my aroma-therapy massage. I say this from experience, I was once a Hindu, it scared the four year old me then and it terrifies the nineteen year old me now. Thank goodness, we were no-where near it, come to think of it we were no-where near anything. Right then, I better get out my pen and paper and start writing out my will, you know, in-case I don’t make it back. While i am pondering who to leave which teddy to, we arrive at “the gates”. Relieved to have finally reached our destination, mum and I perk up. Only to be told that we would have to drive further in. “My word mummy, there is no escaping here”, and really there was not, they shut the gates firmly behind us. The uphill single lane road continued for at least six minutes, all unpaved, might I add. Our first glance of the actual building didn’t seem so bad, in fact it bore a similar resemblance to the ‘Cabanas’ at Sun City. I could not have been more wrong. Mummy and I walk up to the glass doors cautiously, we are surrounded with nature after all. We open it and step in….
Well this is cute, it has a front desk, sweet little plant setting and a mosaic thing. The friendly young lady greets us with a warm smile, and gives us the paper work to fill out. While waiting for the forms to be processed, mum asks her if there are any reptiles near the building. Her reply had me turn stone cold. In her Afrikaner accent, “Ag no, don’t worry the snakes and lizards are in hibernation, they won’t come here now only when it’s very hot”. “Hello women, did you not notice the bright sunshine, its 30 degrees out there, is that not hot enough for you?!” that was what I yelled out. Okay, I yelled it out in my head. Mum and I just looked at each other, our mummy-daughter telepathy transmitted the message between us, and “we won’t be stepping outside”.
We get the key for our room, I walk cautiously behind my mum and the receptionist, all the while praying that by some miracle our room would be awesome, or at-least liveable. As she opens the door I open my eyes. I still cannot fathom why I was surprised, it was awful. It looked like a room in a dormitory. Still trying to keep an open mind, I look around, well at-least the paintings look pretty. Something seemed to be missing, I looked around and it seemed frighteningly empty. “Oh my goodness there is no television, mum we have got to get out of here now, what kind of sick joke is this”?
Mum calms me down and we discuss our treatments scheduled for the next day, I managed to build up anticipation and once again put a smile on my face. Having been on the long journey to get to the spa, we were starving. Mum goes to the receptionist and politely asks if there is somewhere that we could buy some food. The lady looked horrified, “no I am sorry, lunch is over and there aren’t any shops around here”. It was beyond me, how could anyone possibly survive without any shops. “What time is the next meal” asked mum hopefully. “Ag the next meal is supper, that is at 8’o‘clock. “ Either this lady was playing a prank on us or we had just entered into hell’s kitchen-less pits. I stood staring at her for at least a minute waiting for her to yell out “you have been “punked”. Clearly she had not seen the time, it was just after 2 pm, and I would die if I had to wait till 8 pm. Next on the agenda of surprises was our tour of the spa. The bombastic lady walks in, loud and proud, with her fur coat, and starts our tour. First stop the schedule board. Okay hold that thought, I feel it important to mention that I am on holiday, why exactly is there a board and a schedule in my holiday time, senseless. There is exercise classes, walks on the trails and my personal favourite, lectures.